I haven’t written in forever. (It’s been about a month and a half, actually.)
There are a couple reasons I haven’t written in a while. For one thing, I started writing for the Odyssey, which has been fun, but has taken up some writing time. More than that, though, I feel like right now I’m just in the middle of a lot of things. Thoughts, feelings, experiences.
And it’s much more pleasant to write about confusing things in the past tense than in the present.
Really, so many things are so much less of a struggle, are less confusing, now than they were at the beginning of my time here.
I was just telling Luke this morning that I’m starting to love it here. I love the loud street by which I wait for the bus every morning. I love the mountains I get to see as I ride that bus to the UCR. I love the U’s campus and the tons of tiny cafés I get to try when I’m here. I love the wonderful friends I’ve made here and the amazing experiences I’ve gotten to have. I (most days) love the Spanish that I’m learning to use more and more easily.
I think that most of the internal conflicts I am having right now are a little bit deeper, a little bit more real life, a little bit more difficult to write about – simply because I’m not really sure what to write.
But I started this blog with the intention of being transparent, of being candid, if you will. So I’m going to try.
I think mostly God and I are just wrestling with a lot right now. About Him, and His will, especially in light of all the suffering there is in the world. I’m struggling with looking at the way I’m going to choose to live my life after college. I’m struggling with why God lets things happen, why He gives some people so much and others so little. And I’m kind of just warring with Him on who’s going to control my life when I get back to the states and beyond – Him, or me?
This is big stuff, but it is in no way unique to my life. It’s not something that makes me special, it just makes me human. These are things that every one of us struggles with on some level – what am I going to do with my life? How is my life going to matter? What role will money play in the decisions I make? Is it better to seek adventure or security? And for those of us who follow Jesus – how can I glorify Him? Do I want to do the things I want to do in and with my life because of my faith in Jesus, or because of my lack of faith in Him?
I’ve been avoiding writing because I haven’t had answers. I haven’t had, if you will, a conclusion to these questions I’ve been asking. But after a lot of time thinking, and praying, I’m reminded that really, none of us do. So, if my reader(s, hopefully) were looking for a quick and easy wrap up to this post, there isn’t one. All I have to say is that if anyone reading this has ever felt any of the things I’ve just written about, well, he/she is definitely not the only one.